Top 9 Additions To My Dream Home Taken From 80s, 90s And Early 2000s Kids' Movies

Ah, to be young again. School was easy, I could compete at an athletic level equal to my peers, and the movies fucking ruled. Not to say that movies aren't good now. Just a different kind of good. One of the things, looking back on it, that ruled about kids movies was the gratuitous amenities some of these kids would have in their homes. Big and Blank Check were perfect examples of how kids with no budget would treat themselves. Borrowing from this theory, I was forced to ask, how would me treat myself?

9. Data's zip-line from The Goonies
My compound is going to have various buildings. And I personally couldn't think of any better way to get around than by zip-line. Data, the Crasian (Crazy+Asian, no big deal) from Goonies had the perfect idea.

8. Josh Baskin's trampoline from Big
Tom Hanks, aka grown-up (Big) Josh Baskin knew the score. His ridiculous caffeine, sugar and toy-induced decision to buy a ridiculous loft and furnish it with bunk beds, basketball hoops and arcade games was inspired. The icing on that cake was a trampoline, which, if your memory serves you correctly, was an ass-magnet.

7. The Treehouse from The Sandlot
Though not officially part of anyone's "house" per say, it's always been a cream-dream to have a treehouse. And I figure any one in which S'mores can be made is good enough for me. Tinker Toys included.

6. Entire house boobie-trapped like in every Home Alone
I'm going to need to protect my shit. And what better way than having excessive and brutally violent consequences for intruders. Thanks, Macaulay Culkin.

5. Ghost of Michael Keaton haunting a snowman like in Jack Frost
This one's a little more specific. It's common knowledge that Michael Keaton is the greatest actor of all-time. And I consider a snowman an addition to the house (and possibly to the family?) And the only snowman I'd want is the snowman inhabited by the lifeforce of a dead Mr. Keaton. Sign me up. Oh, and this also coincides with my dream to have a meat locker.

4. That kick-ass 2-story indoor-to-outdoor slide that Preston Waters (Mr. Macintosh) had in Blank Check.
Like Josh Baskin, Preston Waters had a guap of cash and an imagination. My house will have a big-ass pool, and I need an ostentatious way to get wet.

3. Golf hole portal to Looney Toon Land from Space Jam
Once again, this is an addition to something I will already have on my compound; whether it's a full golf course or a putting green. Either way, this hole will be filled with an alternate reality in which cartoon characters and humans can coexist... for once.


2. Hall of Heads from Return to Oz
This one's a little more obscure. Return to Oz is the horrifying, child-unfriendly sequel to the classic original. A key villain, Mombi, had a detachable head. Concordantly, she had a long corridor filled with alternate heads that could be attached to her head-cavity. I want a hall of replacement heads, nuff said.

1. Richie Rich's Human Catapult/Roller Coaster/McDonald's/Laboratory/Fake Mt. Rushmore
Richie Rich, Macaulay Culkin if you're nasty, had all the treats. Human catapult, roller coaster, mad scientist with his own crazy laboratory, gigantic Mt. Richmore, and, why the fuck not, a McDonald's. I want it all.

Exactly.

Bonus:
Michael Jackson's light-up floor from the "Billie Jean" video. Yes, I realize it wasn't in a kid's movie. But I figure Michael Jackson's allegedly fucked enough kids to qualify him for a bonus spot.

(Blogger's note: This list was intended to be a forum for expressing my desire to put a fuck swing/rape room in my dream home. But, no big deal.)

-E.