Anybody who knows me knows that I'm a devout Catholic. And, this being the time of year after girls in Nawlins show their tits for a week, but before a magical rabbit gifts chocolate bird eggs (for Jesus), I thought I would get in the spirit (by doing something other than eating 2/$3 Filet-O-Fish.)
10 Things I'm Giving Up For Lent:
10. Catholicism
One would think a religion with a rich history of brutal murder, violence and pedophilia would be ideal for a scholar like myself. But no, the idea of meatless days and celibate (equally meatless) nights is a major turn-off. My Sundays are for 2 things: Hangovers and True Life Marathons.
9. Base Jumping
Fuck That.
8. Respect For My Peers
Sorry y'all. But I've walked into too many parties and heard bottom of the barrel pop rap and country so many times that it isn't redeemable. You're not so hood. You're so from Blaine.
7. Organ Harvesting
This is one of those bad habits that I try to kick as a New Year's Resolution but always finds its way into Lent. What can I say, I like a good stockpile of human. Holla!
6. Sobriety
Cliche, whatever. It just infuriates me to no end how many people give up drinking. For every beer you donate to Jesus I'm gonna stick my dick in a shot of Yak.
5. Krumping
I've gotten in way too many territory wars, and way too many Krumpin' sores on my feet. The madness has to stop.
4. Kruggerands
Investing in gold seems like a good idea, and perhaps it is. All I know is that I've got too much and it's gotta stop.
3. Vaginal Sex
Brown is the new pink.
2. Hippy Acceptance
Heyyy maaaaan! We here at Compassionate Action For Animals want you to come to our Valentines Day Potluck! It's gonna be sooo chill. I got the new Widespread Panic album and Conner's gonna bring his Djembe. I was listening to "Buffalo Soldier" yesterday, and I just gotta say, Bob Marley stood for something. That just makes me wanna go out and start the revolution. What's that? Oh shit. Hahaha, yeah man. Let's get faded. Ohhh!!! Your pipe's got a turtle on it!
Where's my glock...
1. Not Masturbating
This one goes right alongside the sobriety issue. Masturbation is a popular thing to give up. But, what's even more fucking stupid about giving it up is that you don't even get credit for it! My (retarded) Catholic friends have given up the low five before, and not told their parents or their local child molester. What's the point? God (Xenu) wants you to beat your cock to the point of chaffing. That's why he/she/it invented women... and aloe.
God Bless,
-E.
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