McCain/Palin: The First Juggalo Ticket

The notion of a "campaign song, " or a general soundtrack by which to run a campaign is nothing new to American politics. From little ditties like "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" (not the They Might Be Giants song) in support of the pneumonia-prone William Henry Harrison in his 1940 run, to the more recent capitalizing of Heartland Rock songs from the likes of Bruce Springsteen and John Cougar Mellencamp, songs promote an ideal and a general motif a party wants to convey during election season.

A song's selection process can be a bit tricky. Sometimes a candidate will like to pay homage to some of the great musical influences of all time, like Rudolph Giuliani's obvious send-up to punk rock with his selection of "Rudie Can't Fail" by The Clash. Or a candidate will pander to a certain crowd, like Hillary Clinton's pick of "You and I" by Celine Dion to clampdown the Gay Vegas vote. Or, the more obvious example of JFK's selection of "High Hopes" by Frank Sinatra, because, frankly, it's the only song that makes sense when you're getting blown by Marilyn Monroe.

In recent years music has taken on a new role in politics, actually defining generations and ideologies. For example, Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick of Detroit was dubbed the first "hip-hop mayor" because of his connection with the youth and inner-city vote. That, and he was consistently hittin' people up on the two way and making it rain on bitches and other city officials.

I would argue that our current president, George W. Bush, could be considered the first "country president." Though Jimmy Carter was far more country than Bush, I think our president's mannerisms and appeal to rural white people makes him an ideal candidate for such a title.

Which brings us to our current race. Obama has said he listens to all sorts of music, with Stevie Wonder being a personal hero of his (making "Signed, Sealed, Delivered [I'm Yours]" one of his campaign songs, though I personally think he should go with some tougher fare) . McCain has been a little less vocal about his musical coices, but he has made a sort of unsettling connection with ABBA.

So, with the McCain/Palin ticket lacking in music, I would like to make a humble suggestion. ICP. John McCain, become the first Juggalo president. Being a party that allegedly champions the underclass - constantly looking out for the little guy - your message blends perfectly with the harlequinned hellraisers Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. With gems like "Tilt-A-Whirl" and "Hokus Pokus" as campaign songs your ticket will see a vitality the likes of John McCain 150 years ago! That, and I'm not entirely sure that Violent J isn't the baby daddy of Bindi, or whatever the shit Palin's daughter's name is, so having him close at hand for a last-second shotgun wedding may not be a bad idea. As an added bonus, your new army of Juggalo political disciples will be at least 90 per cent brain dead, and hopped up on Faygo! Just remind them to leave campaign literature at the scene of every smashed pumpkin and hate crime.

And God Bless America!

-E.

(Image via Sorgatron)

Obama’s N*gga Moment, McCain’s Senior Moment

This presidential race will be exciting—the clash between two seemingly polar opposite candidates; one an old war hero and conservative white man, and the other a young(er), charismatic, liberal African-American man. The exciting part isn’t just the possible regime change and blue shift towards a more liberal society and a potential re-claiming of American global cultural influence, but with two such opposites juxtaposed together for so long in such a gaffe-ridden and media nitpicky election season, there is a potential for a slip of the worst kind—Obama’s “nigga moment,” (as coined by the brilliant Aaron McGruder's Boondocks) and McCain’s senior moment.

Now, n*gga moments tend to be borne of the inner city frustrations and urban hopelessness that infect our African-American population (and it’s unfortunate). Obama doesn’t know much of this lifestyle. Though he had a childhood wrought with tragedy he always managed to get by on his ingenuity and motivation. But, one cannot easily dismiss the fact that, not only spending much of his professional career witnessing the defeated nature of Chicago’s worst neighborhoods, but also making his way in a profession full of wealthy, elitist white men had to have ingrained some sense of black animosity within him. This is merely speculatory, but odds are there is a whole other side of Barack Obama that we have yet to see.

As far as John McCain, he was born and raised in a different era. At 71, he is the oldest person ever to run for the office of President of the United States. Senior moments are exactly as they sound—moments where one’s age takes over the brain and causes that person to say or do something irrational and inexplicable. These moments can range from “oh, where did I put my car keys?” to, “North Korea, no way I’ll negotiate with those gooks!” (hypothetically speaking, of course). John McCain was put through hell in defense of our nation. He was tortured (but not enough to oppose torture), separated from his family and his country for years by people of a different race. Plus, he’s Irish; so he has a temper. And he’s a maverick, which means he has a penchant for calling his soon-to-be-named running mate (Mitt Romney?) "Goose," or always making love with “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin illuminating the conjugal background (with the help of Cialis [sorry, I had to]).

The beauty of this personal and political dichotomy is that there is a potential powder keg ready to burst. Chances are, if it does, McCain will be the instigator. He’s a man of a different era (see last paragraph). He was alive through the civil rights battles of the 50s and 60s, but was in the military, missing most of the activism whilst in the service, but still around during the repressive eras of the 40s and early 50s. Then, there’s the possibility that bitterness has been brewing inside him since the North took away his slaves in 1863 (that was a joke, he isn’t quite 145 yet). He’s also prone to gaffes to begin with. My theory is that, somewhere in this oversaturation of election coverage, McCain will have a senior moment—potentially revolving around the word “colored.” Now, this word isn’t the most offensive (case in point, the NAACP), and I don’t believe he is so far off the planet to utter the N word or something equally as inflammatory, but I think there is a possibility that his age will show itself in a ugly, pseudo-racist manner.

In response to such an archaic nod to racist roots, a spark could be lit, igniting the generally sanguine Obama. His response could range anywhere from, “Muthafucka, whatchu say?!” to a simple “Aw hell no!” to the more absurd act of actually whipping out a Gat. It’s unclear what would be the preferred course of action, but, regardless, white and black America would forgive him (except maybe whipping out the Gat).

I hope you’ll have your eyes glued on the TV screen as I will during this election season, and perhaps we’ll all see our candidates’ true colors.

-E.