Come Fly With Me To The Land Of Consumerism

Because I "work" in magazines, I love being put in abnormal places and immersing myself in their publications; which is why I love flying so much. Because, every time I’m on a flight I get to read not only the in-flight magazine, but the greatest catalogue ever, SkyMall. If you can present a better illustration of the class divide in America I’d like to see it. SkyMall is just the height of consumerism gone horribly, horribly wrong: gratuitous glamour items for WASPy business jetsetters. Let me show you:

Top 10 Absurd Items Found In SkyMall:

10. The Flying Alarm Clock ($39.95 S/H not included):
Hammacher Schlemmer has really taken the affluent bull by the necktie in the field of unnecessary products. Their Flying Alarm Clock “launches a rotor into the air that flies around the room as the alarm sounds,” AKA waking you up in the most practical way possible. I mean, I know I want to chase a clanging whirligig around my room at 7:45 am just mere seconds after I wake up.

9. The Marshmallow Shooter ($24.95 S/H not included):

Wanna give your children something they’ll use for about, umm, I don’t know, zero minutes once they realize that you don’t have marshmallows in your house because nobody fucking likes them? The crack team at Hammacher Schlemmer has the answer for you. It’s a gun… that shoots marshmallows. What else would put it over the top? That’s right, “it even has an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for pinpoint accuracy.” Finally!

8. The Only Gutter Cleaning Robot ($129.95 S/H not included):

Hammacher Schlemmer gets it. You’re on the road, neglecting your family for weeks on end, and when you get home you shouldn’t be spending your time cleaning gutters. You need to spend quality time; fucking your secretary! The Only Gutter Cleaning Robot’s got you covered, Mr. Executive. This robot is “made by iRobot, a company founded by roboticists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and renowned for their tactical robots used in U.S. military reconnaissance missions.” When the robot revolution comes, this robot’s not going to be cleaning leaves from your gutters; it’s going to be cleansing the blood of your family. Be warned.

7. Helmet HERO Camera System ($169.99 S/H not included):

From the Skymall Collection we have the HERO Camera System so you can “shoot the excitement as you live it!” All you have to do is sell your dignity and your desire to not look ridiculous.

6. Silent Night Snore Terminator ($49.95 S/H not included):

This gem comes from the company The Greatest Gift; and it truly is – if you consider getting electrocuted in your sleep the greatest gift. “Wear it on your wrist when going to sleep and the tiny microphone detects snoring and sends safe electronic pulses to the wrist.” I don’t care how small the shocks are, if it’s enough to disturb my sleep it’s too much. Pray to God there’s no leak in your ceiling in the night.

5. Tracking Key ($229.00 S/H not included):

The Tracking Key is “a small, pocket sized device that receives signals from 24 GPS satellites orbiting the earth. The internal computer accurately determines the location of the device within 2.5 meters and records this data every second.” The tagline writes it’s own material:

“Is my teenager speeding? Where is my spouse going? Where are my employees driving? Find out! With the Tracking Key.”

What this could say and be equally effective:

“Why do my children hate me? Who is my spouse fucking? Why is my business failing? Find out! With the Tracking Key.”

4. Personalized Truman Print ($39.95 S/H not included):

This item from Signals isn’t that funny on its own, but it has endless possibilities. The catalogue gives examples like “Steve Gets Promoted” or “Jenny Graduates.” I think it would be funny if it said “Truman Rapes Kid” or “Holding Newspapers Linked To AIDS.”

3. T-Rex Dinosaur Trophy ($98.95 S/H not included [Buy 2 or more only $89.95 each!]):

The miracle workers at Design Toscano have carefully killed and taxedermied thousands of Tyrannosaurus Rexes, just so you can have a piece of the Cretaceous in your rec room. Hang it right next to your heads of the Giant Panda and the Barbary Lion along with, some would say, your troubling amount of Narwahl Tusks.

2,1. Four Different Kinds of Remote-Controlled Helicopters (I’m counting this as two items):

One remote control helicopter is stupid, but understandable. Two is ridiculous, but understandable. Three is ridiculous and stupid. Four is SkyMall.

a.) The World’s Smallest Remote-Controlled Helicopter ($79.95 S/H not included):

Is it a ridiculous product? Hammacher Schlemmer will have a seat at the table. And they’re going to do it big, or small – with the world’s smallest, and probably most breakable, helicopter.

b.) Eagle-Eye RC Helicopter ($59.95 S/H not included):

Gadget Universe has its own gimmick when pitching their helicopter: family values and the problem with today’s youth. “Get your kid off the computer and from in front of the TV and outside for some quality time with Dad or Grandpa.” Ah, the American dream.

c.) Four-Channel Military Helicopter ($139.99 S/H not included):

The SkyMall Collection brings the military vote; high spending and the American desire to be the pilot of a “[sic] muli-role combat helicopter.” Basically sums up the military right there.

d.) Micro-Fly Helicopter ($99.99 S/H not included):

The SkyMall Collection is directing this product at its faithful patrons who want to buy a remote-controlled helicopter, but just can’t pony up the extra $40.00 to get the high quality ‘copter. It’s a pretty big target market. So big you could hit it with a marshmallow gun.

-E.

(P.S. Read other great stuff at http://www.lucasshanks.com)