I Live Blog A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

So yeah, I’m going to live blog Season 2 Episode 2 of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. I’m hoping it’s as funny as I think it might be. I mean, 9 slutty lesbians and 9 jacked Neanderthals competing for the fleeting love of a third-tier celeb who looks like she’s 9? Let’s do this:

9:02- OK, best theme song ever! Gonna be a hit, Tila.

9:02- “I’m so excited, because I’ve got another chance to fall in love,” Tila. How about… I don’t know, living your life and trying to make a connection with one of the 25 people you meet a day?

9:03- “I don’t wanna have my heart broken again,” Tila. How about… Don’t meet your significant other through a series of absurd challenges intermingled with make-out sessions telecast on MTV?

9:04- “I’m kinda excited for some lesbians to make their move on me. I mean, I’m pretty hot,” Jay. You don’t get what lesbian means, do you.

9:05- This is SUCH a bro fest.

9:07- The casino set looks like a really bad prom theme.

9:08- Man, Kyle is creepy. Good call, Lisa.

9:09- LESBIAN MAKE-OUT TIME!!!!!!

9:09- Really, Kyle? Didn’t you see the last entry?

9:10- Commercial break 1. Man, I’m not exactly sure what I’m feeling. It’s a mixture between pure joy, fear, contempt and arousal. There is surely nothing good about this show. It’s like porn in the sense that there is no plot, nothing motivating anyone—it’s like just a few short scenes of physical action meant to arouse the viewer’s emotions or his…

9:13- Shit we’re back. Strip dice (guys v. girls)!!!

9:15- That girl’s got a huge ass!

9:16- Christian’s just piss drunk.

9:17- Tila’s got a fuck swing? Word?

9:18- George… come on, man…

9:19- Villagers are coming to fuck/kill Frankenstein/Tila.

9:19- That Bo guy actually seems sort of funny.

9:20- Word? Somebody called the fucking cops? Doesn’t MTV have any authority?

9:21- Commercial break 2. I think I’m losing faith in humanity. I mean, are there really this many fuck-ups out there? I mean the Jersey Shore is one thing, but it seems like everyone in this house is functioning at a devolutionary level. The same bro who nearly got into a fight the first episode was just seen on the preview shouting out a cop. These people need…

9:24- We’re back!! Tila’s talking to the cops. STOP SHOUTING, Jay. The cops are doing their fucking jobs, brah. Oh, the cop’s not having any shenanigans.

9:25- Can everybody get eliminated? Haha, well-stated Kristy, “They’re acting like a bunch of little college kids that have never partied before.”

9:26- OK, let’s see some shit. 18 mixed sexual orientations, drunk, sharing a bed.

9:27- Well stated, Kristy. “All of these guys are like, douchebags."

9:27- Commercial break 3. So, right now I’m liking Kristy and Bo. Even though, the fact that they feel like they can cast judgments is sort of hypocritical. I mean, they’re going to demean themselves in any way possible to get a girl that they barely know the same as everybody else. Maybe I like them because they’re dishonest about it…

9:30- We’re back. Hangover city.

9:31- Christian is drinking at 9 a.m. So gnarley.

9:32- Man, that guy was WAY excited for that oxygen bar. Uh-oh, George is getting real…

9:33- “Chad grabbed the eggs, and I was like, is this a bad idea? Should we do this?” Yeah, let’s ruin the kitchen and throw eggs and shit. Sweet life, Jay.

9:34- Jay, Scotty and Chad = Cunt Squad.

9:36- Commercial Break 4. Bathroom break. (Note: I wanna drop acid and see Speed Racer, and then beat the shit out of Patrick Dempsey).

9:40- Jay kinda looks like the older brother from The Wonder Years, but greasy and Italian.

9:41- I love how they have to do physical challenges on the hopes of connecting with Tila on an emotional level. And in the real world it’s the exact opposite.

9:42- I hope Christian gets to stay, and get piss drunk. And who is this Ryan guy? He’s been on camera once.

9:43- OH SHIT!!!! Scotty the douchebag is from Brookfield!! Yes!!!! Everything is explained!!!

9:44- I wish all of my dates took place in a hot tub.

9:46- Where’d they get those grapes? Which grape color is better for make-out? I’d guess purple. Green’s too bitter.

9:47- What are you doing Fame? Really? Singing? Poorly? Now? Really?

9:48- George, you’re getting way too much air time. We don’t care that your mom died 15 years ago. We want to see you fight/fuck/drink. And further, that shit doesn’t “just hit you” all of a sudden. “Oh man, I just realized my mom died, and it’s her birthday today.”

9:49- That last rant went into commercial a little bit. But seriously… that George guy is just like a politician; “We’re in working class, steel mill country. Oh, let’s be seen drinking a beer.” It’s so convenient how people become relatable at the most opportune times, isn’t it? (Note: I wish I was watching The Wonder Years or Quantum Leap right now.)

9:53- We’re back. I’m curious if Tila even picks who stays and goes. It seems like the producers just pick the ones who’ll start the most drama.

9:54- How is Jay still in? How is Scotty still in? How is Chad still in? See previous comment.

9:55- George is so disingenuous, but of course, he’s in.

9:57- It’s down to Kyle and Christian. Creep or Drunk.

9:58- NO!! How can you get rid of Christian? He was going to be the source for the perfect drinking game.

Here’s to a shot at love!!!

-E.