I Live Blog A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

So yeah, I’m going to live blog Season 2 Episode 2 of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. I’m hoping it’s as funny as I think it might be. I mean, 9 slutty lesbians and 9 jacked Neanderthals competing for the fleeting love of a third-tier celeb who looks like she’s 9? Let’s do this:

9:02- OK, best theme song ever! Gonna be a hit, Tila.

9:02- “I’m so excited, because I’ve got another chance to fall in love,” Tila. How about… I don’t know, living your life and trying to make a connection with one of the 25 people you meet a day?

9:03- “I don’t wanna have my heart broken again,” Tila. How about… Don’t meet your significant other through a series of absurd challenges intermingled with make-out sessions telecast on MTV?

9:04- “I’m kinda excited for some lesbians to make their move on me. I mean, I’m pretty hot,” Jay. You don’t get what lesbian means, do you.

9:05- This is SUCH a bro fest.

9:07- The casino set looks like a really bad prom theme.

9:08- Man, Kyle is creepy. Good call, Lisa.

9:09- LESBIAN MAKE-OUT TIME!!!!!!

9:09- Really, Kyle? Didn’t you see the last entry?

9:10- Commercial break 1. Man, I’m not exactly sure what I’m feeling. It’s a mixture between pure joy, fear, contempt and arousal. There is surely nothing good about this show. It’s like porn in the sense that there is no plot, nothing motivating anyone—it’s like just a few short scenes of physical action meant to arouse the viewer’s emotions or his…

9:13- Shit we’re back. Strip dice (guys v. girls)!!!

9:15- That girl’s got a huge ass!

9:16- Christian’s just piss drunk.

9:17- Tila’s got a fuck swing? Word?

9:18- George… come on, man…

9:19- Villagers are coming to fuck/kill Frankenstein/Tila.

9:19- That Bo guy actually seems sort of funny.

9:20- Word? Somebody called the fucking cops? Doesn’t MTV have any authority?

9:21- Commercial break 2. I think I’m losing faith in humanity. I mean, are there really this many fuck-ups out there? I mean the Jersey Shore is one thing, but it seems like everyone in this house is functioning at a devolutionary level. The same bro who nearly got into a fight the first episode was just seen on the preview shouting out a cop. These people need…

9:24- We’re back!! Tila’s talking to the cops. STOP SHOUTING, Jay. The cops are doing their fucking jobs, brah. Oh, the cop’s not having any shenanigans.

9:25- Can everybody get eliminated? Haha, well-stated Kristy, “They’re acting like a bunch of little college kids that have never partied before.”

9:26- OK, let’s see some shit. 18 mixed sexual orientations, drunk, sharing a bed.

9:27- Well stated, Kristy. “All of these guys are like, douchebags."

9:27- Commercial break 3. So, right now I’m liking Kristy and Bo. Even though, the fact that they feel like they can cast judgments is sort of hypocritical. I mean, they’re going to demean themselves in any way possible to get a girl that they barely know the same as everybody else. Maybe I like them because they’re dishonest about it…

9:30- We’re back. Hangover city.

9:31- Christian is drinking at 9 a.m. So gnarley.

9:32- Man, that guy was WAY excited for that oxygen bar. Uh-oh, George is getting real…

9:33- “Chad grabbed the eggs, and I was like, is this a bad idea? Should we do this?” Yeah, let’s ruin the kitchen and throw eggs and shit. Sweet life, Jay.

9:34- Jay, Scotty and Chad = Cunt Squad.

9:36- Commercial Break 4. Bathroom break. (Note: I wanna drop acid and see Speed Racer, and then beat the shit out of Patrick Dempsey).

9:40- Jay kinda looks like the older brother from The Wonder Years, but greasy and Italian.

9:41- I love how they have to do physical challenges on the hopes of connecting with Tila on an emotional level. And in the real world it’s the exact opposite.

9:42- I hope Christian gets to stay, and get piss drunk. And who is this Ryan guy? He’s been on camera once.

9:43- OH SHIT!!!! Scotty the douchebag is from Brookfield!! Yes!!!! Everything is explained!!!

9:44- I wish all of my dates took place in a hot tub.

9:46- Where’d they get those grapes? Which grape color is better for make-out? I’d guess purple. Green’s too bitter.

9:47- What are you doing Fame? Really? Singing? Poorly? Now? Really?

9:48- George, you’re getting way too much air time. We don’t care that your mom died 15 years ago. We want to see you fight/fuck/drink. And further, that shit doesn’t “just hit you” all of a sudden. “Oh man, I just realized my mom died, and it’s her birthday today.”

9:49- That last rant went into commercial a little bit. But seriously… that George guy is just like a politician; “We’re in working class, steel mill country. Oh, let’s be seen drinking a beer.” It’s so convenient how people become relatable at the most opportune times, isn’t it? (Note: I wish I was watching The Wonder Years or Quantum Leap right now.)

9:53- We’re back. I’m curious if Tila even picks who stays and goes. It seems like the producers just pick the ones who’ll start the most drama.

9:54- How is Jay still in? How is Scotty still in? How is Chad still in? See previous comment.

9:55- George is so disingenuous, but of course, he’s in.

9:57- It’s down to Kyle and Christian. Creep or Drunk.

9:58- NO!! How can you get rid of Christian? He was going to be the source for the perfect drinking game.

Here’s to a shot at love!!!

-E.

This Is What It Comes To

You know what's a funny word? Genitals.

-E.

New Rule, Indie Girls

New Rule: Indie girls have to give us the color mustard back. We happen to like it. So you don't get to have it anymore.

-E.

Kristen Schaal Rules

There's a lot to like about Kristen Schaal. I like this:

-E.

Our Fisted Friends.

OK, so I think the new format of this blog is going to be different. Instead of doing big posts every few weeks, I’m going to do small ones more frequently. It may be a video post, a funny link or mere observations. So that’s that. Onward.

Puppets.

Puppets have been a treat for peasants and kings for thousands upon thousands of years. There is no justifiable reason why they are as sweet as they are. They just have that certain something—walking the line between fantasy and reality. They aren’t animated, yet they aren’t alive. And we get to simultaneously play god and fist/finger something at the same time. Like I said; a treat.

Puppets come in a shitload of varieties from finger, to hand, to marionette, to the horrifying Jim Henson genetic engineering project: the muppet. I’ve compiled a short list of my favorite puppets. Enjoy.

My Top Five Favorite Puppets:

5. Precious Roy

There was once a show on MTV called The Sifl & Olly Show. Created by Liam Lynch and Matt Crocco, the show was about sock puppets. If you’ve heard the song “United States of Whatever,” you’ll note that it first appeared on the show. Precious Roy was a recurring character that ran an infomercial company that sold absurd products like “Civil War Corpses” and “Edible Sandals.” Enjoy.

4. King Friday

King Friday was the brutal monarch presiding over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood of Make Believe. In one of the most fantastical puppet paradises ever conceived, Friday reigned supreme. And he had dynamite facial hair.

3. Mike Rutherford, Guitarist of Genesis in the “Land of Confusion” Video

This video was full of star-studded puppet representations of famous people. Originally I was going to say that Ronald Reagan was the ideal puppet from this video, but upon further review, Rutherford is playing a 4-necked guitar. So he wins.

2. Falcor the Luckdragon from The NeverEnding Story.

A flying, child-loving dog-dragon. This is what we in the business call the total package. He would be the greatest friend ever.

1. Statler & Waldorf

The original haters. Just a couple old curmudgeons who sit high in the balcony, shitting on the Muppet Show. Does it get any better than this?

Obviously there are many more who didn't make the list (Lamb Chop, Chauncy from Wonder Showzen, Godzilla), and to them I apologize.

Keep It Real.
-E.

P.S.